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18 November 2009

Edition 1: Lessons from Texts from Last Night

I'm sure that all of you lovely blog readers are fully aware of texts from last night, the website that posts texts generally submitted by inebriated people, or forwarded from friends of inebriated people. I bet you've never noticed the wisdom in these titillating tidbits. There are suprising lessons to be learned from TFLN, as you will see below. I would classify the following as kind of R-rated, which eliminates about half of all the posts on website which I would give an NC-17. I just can't bring myself to defile C&C with such dirty shenanigans. Leave your favorite TFLN in the comments.

On how to make a condom magically appear:

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

On the dangers of ambien, after hearing tales from MD friends, I totally believe that this could be true:
(847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Even cops sometimes have a sense of humor...then again there is probably not much to keep them entertained in New Mexico. A cop once complemented me on my toga when we arrived at a party at the same time...he was there to break it up. I told him I was real disappointed because I'd never been to a toga party before.
(505): Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

List your parents and siblings as "mom" "dad" "sister" etc. in your cell phone to avoid this
(212): i want you now
(916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Personally, I think this is a totally classy move:
(251): She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.

Attention exs and parents, they will usually check you out at customer service. I totally sold condoms, lube and monistat to my friend's parents when I worked in a grocery store in high school. SO WRONG!
(863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.


Jill said...

True story...I took an Ambien several years ago. I called my husband in the middle of the night (he was working a night shift). I told him that I was in the hall because there were tiny men working on the quilt that was on our bed. They had long needles and thread and were repairing some areas that were torn(I remember this vividly). He said it was the Ambien and to go back to bed. He heard me knock on my bedroom door to tell them that I was coming back in and they needed to go away so I could get some sleep.
Ambien is freaky!

Unknown said...

What IS it with Ambien and tiny men? Hubby Noah isn't allowed to take it anymore after a really BAD trip on it involving, among other things, tiny men jousting with toothpicks along the ceiling moulding in our apartment..

SweetnSnarky said...

i took ambien last year while having insomnia problems. i saw my water bottle beside my bed turn into a tiny chef, who was supervising the food for the tea party that my feet were having. my feet were dressed in adorable pink party dresses.